She was used to walking away. She never tried looking back. She used to remark that it didn’t really touch her!But it was different this time.
“Don’t you feel it or you just don’t allow? Isn’t it hard? You make it seem so simple.” I asked her.
She brushed her hair back with her hands and smiled while biting her lower lip. Her eyes closed.
I left her a tissue. I knew she needed it.
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It was not right. But he wanted it. And he didn’t care.
She was hurt. And he didn’t care.
She never knew what it was to be under a spell.
She lost her peace in the thunder of her heartbeats.
She had the power to end it. Why didn't she?
She bled in love. And he didn't care.
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“Please don’t leave me alone. What would I be without you?” I cried, tears rolling down my eyes profusely. My vision blurred. I could hardly see her.
“You should have thought about this earlier. Don’t you remember praying to God that you are ready to bear the consequences?!”
“Please. I promise I will be careful now. I won’t let you down. I’ll be the one I was born like. I need you.”
I tried to pull her back. My heartbeat was rising. I couldn’t breathe.
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“I know you are not the one you have acted like. I’m yours and will always be. But you have crushed my existence. You strangled me then and you are killing me with each passing day.”
Her lips parched dry thirsting for realization, letting go and forgiveness. My “soul” left me caged in my thoughts. She couldn’t bear my suffocated mind anymore.
I stood there in front of the mirror with my eyes flooded with tears. I lost my only friend who judged for me, who warmed me with answers in moments of confusion. I had lost her. I had lost myself. I killed her. I killed my soul.
————————————————————————————-
Isolation. Even worse, escapism!
“I don’t want these dark circles around my eyes. Why can’t I be happy?” I fumed looking at myself in the mirror.
Tears gushed down burning my face. I howled. I cried. It was surely not pain.
My inability to accept. My failed attempts to move on. My secret desire to be back in the rut. My refusal to forgive.
The darkness breathed passionately in me while my quietness struggled for help.
————————————————————————————
A year passed.
I heard a knock this morning. It synced with my heartbeat. A voice.
“I never said that you should stop living your life.”
I cried. Again. It’s been so long with flooded eyes and blurry vision that I fail to realize if I cry in joy or if it’s pain.
————————————————————————————
“Talk to me.”
“Leave me alone.”
“Really?!” she laughed. “Well, I must say that it feels great to see that I was the only one you had. And you still dared to mess with me.”
“You left me dead. I want to live.” I sobbed like a baby.
“You were never alone. I left her with you. She is pretty grown up now.”
“Who????”
“I have named her for you - Conscience.”
————————————————————————————
Months passed.
I love winters. I can pull layers of clothes on myself and feel safest in the world.
“Gosh, I am so weird.” I scoff as I zip up my boots.
Office is warm. I choose the cosiest workstation to hide myself. This new guy keeps staring at me with his dove eyes. I feel that his eyes are always waiting for me.
————————————————————————————
“Whatever!” I murmered as I struggled to lift my bag off the floor.
“I will carry it to your seat.” he offered.
“Thanks!” I said returning to my workstation. He was smiling, so was I.
As I pull up my laptop screen to switch it on, my reflection freezes. I hear a thud in my heart.
Conscience whispers, “Another rapist in town, honey! Be aware.”
Kanupriya
